Hermione's Unusual Month
by meamonkee
Summary: Hermione has a very unusual month, filled with stupidness and bad humor. Rated R for language.


Hermione's Unusual Month  
  
Disclaimer: All the characters you recognize from Harry Potter, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Lord of the Rings, The Fairly Odd Parents,or The Matrix, aren't mine.  
  
Summary: Hermione has a very unusual month, filled with stupidness and bad humor. Rated R for language.  
  
Warning: This is very stupid with a lot of sex stuff (nothing very bad or descriptive).  
  
A/N: There will be a sequel to this if you guys like it. Just let me know if you do (but I doubt it). Also, the beginning is crappy, but I think it gets better. I think.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
One day, for no apparent reason, Hermione and Ron were walking to Harry's house in Surrey, when Hermione triped over a pothole in the road that The Author just happened to put there (notice the capitals).  
  
Hermione:"AHHHHH! MY NOSE! HELP! CALL 911!"  
  
Ron:"Okay."  
  
Ron picks up a phone he found on the ground.  
  
Ron:"What numbers do you press for 911?"  
  
Hermione:"9-1-1."  
  
Ron:"And which buttons would that be?"  
  
Hermione:"The one with a 9 then a 1 then a 1."  
  
Ron:"Oh. It's not working. NOT TO WORRY! I'll carry you to Harry's!"  
  
Hermione:"Whatever."  
  
Ron picks her up and carries her.  
  
Ron:"Let's sing! I'm blue, daba de daba di, daba de daba di, daba di daba di."  
  
Hermione:"Ron?"  
  
Ron:"What?"  
  
Hermione:"Shut up."  
  
Ron:"OY! We're here!"  
  
Ron sets Hermione down and knocks.  
  
Hermione:"Ron?"  
  
Ron:"What?"  
  
Hermione:"Why did you carry me when I only broke my nose?"  
  
Vernon Dursley answers.  
  
Vernon:"HARRY! GET YOUS ARSE DOWN HERE AND GREET YOUR FREAKY LITTLE FRIENDS!"  
  
Harry goes down the stairs to see a suprise.  
  
Herry:"HOLY SHIT! HOW THE FUCK DID YOU BITCHES GET HERE!?"  
  
Ron:"The power of drugs."  
  
Harry:"AWSOME! Uncle Vernon? Why the fuck are you still standing here?"  
  
Vernon walks away muttering something like, "Little shits."  
  
Harry:"SO, wazzup?"  
  
Hermione:"I broked my nosey."  
  
Harry:"I CAN FIX THAT!"  
  
Harry takes out his wand.  
  
Herry:"A-hem, OCCULIOUS REPARIO!"  
  
Hermione's nose if fixed.  
  
Hermione:"Thanks Harry! You're not so stupid after all!"  
  
Ron:"'Mione?"  
  
Hermione:"What Ron?"  
  
Ron:"DUEL!"  
  
Hermione and Ron instantly postition themselves while conjuring up a bunch of curses. Harry stares.  
  
Ron:"DIE BITCH!"  
  
Hermione:"OW! YOU BASTARD!"  
  
Ron:"MUHAHAHAHA! AVADA KEDAVRA!"  
  
The curse goes towards Harry who dodges all but the last one, Matrix style.  
  
Harry:"OW!"  
  
Harry dies.  
  
Hermione:"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOO! You killed he boy-who-lived-but-now-is-dead!"  
  
Ron:"Oops."  
  
Police:"POLICE! WE'VE GOT YOU SURROUNDED!"  
  
Ron:"Oh fuck."  
  
Hermione:"WAIT POLICE PEOPLE! Instead of you guys taking us to jail, how about we just party?"  
  
Ron:"YEAH! Then we can all get smashed and have a shag with everybody!"  
  
Hermione:"Or we can experiment with magic mushrooms!"  
  
Police:"What?"  
  
Ron:"You mean the drug?"  
  
Hermione takes out some mushrooms.  
  
Hermione:"No..."  
  
Silence. Cricket chirp. Cricket chirp.  
  
Ron:"OKAY!"  
  
He takes some of the mushrooms out of Hermione's hand and eats them. Hermione eats the ones left over. Everything goes black.  
  
Hermione:"AHHHHH*gasp*Oh whatever."  
  
She passes out.  
  
Ron:"I'm blue, daba di daba di, daba di daba di, daba di daba di..."  
  
He passes out.  
  
Three seconds later...  
  
Hermione:"Oh shit, my head. Where the fuck am I?"  
  
She looks around the blackness and spots a computer.  
  
Typed words on computer:"Wake up Hermione... the matrix has you..."  
  
Hermione:"I'm already awake."  
  
Computer:"Not you, that freakishly red headed kid over there."  
  
Hermione:"But you said my name."  
  
Computer:"Oh for fucks sake, I meant the Ron kid. So you won't be confused: Wake up Ron... the matrix has you..."  
  
Ron jerks awake in front of the computer. Ron looks at it.  
  
Ron:"Wicked! A compacter, and it says, 'Wake up Ron... the matrix has you...' Oh wicked!"  
  
Computer:"Knock knock Ron."  
  
A door that The Auther suddenly puts in the story knocks two times.  
  
Ron:"Wicked."  
  
Hermione:"Oh, for goodness sake! This story is pointless!"  
  
Ron:"Then let's tell the readers how it ends."  
  
Hermione:"They can just scroll to the bottom stupid."  
  
A voice that came seemingly from nowhere:"LOOK! MORE DRUGGIES! MORE COME HERE EVERY DAY. ANYWAYS, WHAT YOU GUYS WANT? YOU GET ONE WISH."  
  
Ron:"I WISH FOR TWO COKES!"  
  
Hermione:"NO! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!"  
  
Ron:"BUT I'M THIRSTY! TWO COKES ON THE DOUBLE!"  
  
Hermione:"NOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
Voice:"I'LL BE BACK IN A FEW."  
  
Hermione:"DAMMIT!"  
  
Ron:"Hear that?"  
  
Hermione:"What?"  
  
The moaning and groaning..."  
  
Voice from moaning:"SMACK THAT ASS!"  
  
Voice from groaning:"Oh-my-God-Snape!"  
  
Ron:"Eww, that's the voice that was supposed to be getting us our drinks!"  
  
Dumbledore suddenly walks in through the door that knocked with two cokes.  
  
Dumbledore:"Here*pant*is*pant*your*pant*drinks..."  
  
Ron:"Dumbledore, was that your voice that was telling us to make a wish?"  
  
Dumbledore:"Yes."  
  
Ron:"So you were having sex with Snape?"  
  
Dumbledore:"You heard-I-I mean-no... Here's your drinks."  
  
Ron:"Cokes aren't white."  
  
Dumbledore:"Yeah, well, we were running out of cokes, so this drink is specially made by me."  
  
Ron:"Cool."  
  
He starts drinking the "special drink."  
  
Ron:"Delicious."  
  
Dumbledore:"Yeah, well gotta go. My drugs aren't going to effect me forever. They'll probably stop in about 5 minutes. See ya."  
  
All of a sudden Hermione wakes up from her dream in Hogwarts.  
  
Hermione:"Where- where am I?"  
  
Ron:"In Hogwarts. I brought you here while you were spacing out on your mushrooms. WELL, now that you're awake, let's have a rap contest!"  
  
Hermione:"What?"  
  
Ron:"Boop, my name is RONNIEKINS! I have only one chin, so is how skinny I am. I really like to murder my my my lamb. The lamb is so cute, like a tiny parachute. I wanna kill him him him with my little little drillin'. The ladies all go, 'Look it's Ron! He's as cute as a newborn fawn!' That's my hot, it really needs to be shot. What the fuck is up with my weak rhymin'? I'm so shitty like Mr. Simon! Fuck this dude, this is shit! I'm really leadin this to deep deep bird shit! You know what bitch, though my rhymes are lame, it's what leads you to great great fame!"  
  
Hermione:"Tha's some badass shit, dawg! Gimme fist!"  
  
They hit their fists together top, bottom, then front.  
  
Ron:"Damn! I think it's time for breakfast!"  
  
Hermione:"Maybe I can check out dat one Slithrin'."  
  
Ron:"Malfoy?"  
  
Hermione:"Yeah, da hot one!"  
  
They go to the great hall.  
  
Ron:"Paper poop! Digested pig urine! Pudding! Chunky milk!"  
  
Parvati Patil:"What the fuck?"  
  
Ron:"Random phrases from my sick mind."  
  
Lavender Brown:"C'mon Parvati! Let's go screw a bunch of random boys!"  
  
They leave the table.  
  
Ron:"What the fuck?"  
  
Snape suddenly bursts into the Great Hall only weaing "I am sexy" boxers.  
  
Snape:"AHAHAHA! LOOK AT MEEEE!"  
  
Everybody:"AHHHH! MY EYES! I'M BLIND!"  
  
Snape is suddenly avada kedavrad by Dumbledore.  
  
Everybody:"I can see again!"  
  
Ron:"Seeing Snape without his clothes on is nasty."  
  
Neville Longbottom:"Naw it would be worse if you saw me without clothes on because I'm a fat cow and Snape is a skinny whore."  
  
Ron:"Oh yeah, I forgot."  
  
Malfoy and hermione are watching Ron from the Slitherin table. Malfoy likes Hermione now that she's a gangsta bitch.  
  
Malfoy:"That Snape scenario was gross."  
  
Hermione:"I'm down wit dat! Whoa, hang your little ass there for a sec. 'Fo shizzle my bizzle Pansy? 'Sup?"  
  
Pansy Parkinson:"Fuck you."  
  
She jumps out of the nearest window.  
  
Hermione:"Damn, tha girl got some problems."  
  
Malfoy:"Yupperoo, uh, Whitey."  
  
Some second years start snickering.  
  
Hermione:"Yo midgets! Yo best shut yo mouths befo' I bust a cap in yo little white asses!"  
  
They jump out of the nearest window.  
  
Hermione calling down to the from the window:"THAS WHAT I THOUGH MUTHA FUCKAS!"  
  
She walks back to the table and sits down.  
  
Hermione:"Draco?"  
  
Malfoy:"Since when did you call me by my first name?"  
  
Hermione:"Since now. Wanna go to mah dorm an makeout?"  
  
Malfoy:"Sure."  
  
They leave the table holding hands.  
  
Ron:"Where is Hermy going with Malfoy?"  
  
Neville:"Probably to go makeout with her in her dorm."  
  
Ron:"No, Hermione is too smart to go out with a *cough*obviously dyed*cough* blonde..."  
  
Seamus Finnigan:"Yuh-huh."  
  
In Hermione's dorm...  
  
Hermione:"Touch me Jack- I mean Draco."  
  
They start having freaky sex. [A/N: I'd describe the scene to you, but it's too kinky. You might get sick.]  
  
20 minutes later...  
  
Legolas and Trinity walk in.  
  
Legolas:"May we join you?"  
  
Malfoy:"NO! GET OUT!"  
  
Legolas:"Whatever. C'mon trinity, let's go fuck in a broom closet."  
  
Trinity:"Right behind you, baby."  
  
Trinity and Legolas screw in a broom closet. 10 minutes later Neo walks in.  
  
Neo:"TRINITY! HOW DARE YOU BETRAY MY SEXY BODY AND BEAUTIFUL FACE!?"  
  
Trinity:"Wanna join us?"  
  
Neo:"Sure."  
  
Before you know it, the whole school is having sex in there. 10 days later...  
  
Legolas who's smoking:"That was good and long."  
  
Neo who's smoking:"Okay, gotta go and save our asses from the matrix now. Bye."  
  
Neo and Trinity leave with a pack of cigarettes.  
  
Legolas who's smoking:"Who's up for round 3,683?"  
  
The whole school (except H&M) get out smoking.  
  
Legolas who's smoking:"Huh? We can still have sex!"  
  
Everybody who's smoking:"We only joined because Neo and Trinity were here."  
  
Legolas commits suicide my taking an arrow to his head with the help of his bow. Fawkes comes in and eats him.  
  
Hagrid who's smoking:"What the bloody hell?"  
  
Fawkes eats Hagrid too.  
  
Dumbledore:"HAHA! THAT STUPID FATASS PRICK! I meant I'm sorry we lost him. You didn't hear anything."  
  
Silence. Cricket chirp. Cricket chirp.  
  
Anyway with Hermy and Malfoy...  
  
Malfoy:"Let's go to the Great Hall."  
  
Once in the Great Hall...  
  
Dumbledore:"Wazzup my homies- I mean welcome!"  
  
Malfoy and Hermione sit at the Slitherin table again.  
  
Ron:"HERMIONE GRANGER! How dare you sit with Malfoy!"  
  
Hermione:"Aww, lighten up, Weasel."  
  
Ron:"SEE? HE IS RUBBING OFF ON YOU!"  
  
Hermione:"Well you is gonna hafta get used to him cause I'm his girl! C'mon Draco!"  
  
They leave the table with Ron gaping after.  
  
Meanwhile with Dumbledore in his office...  
  
Dumbledore:"C'mon Fawkes! Just put your mouth on it!"  
  
Fawkes:"Moo?"  
  
Neville suddenly bursts in.  
  
Neville:"OH LOOK! A cow!"  
  
Fawkes:"Actually, I'm a pheonix."  
  
Neville:"Oh."  
  
He runs out.  
  
Dumbledore:"PUT YOUR MOUTH ON IT AND SUCK!"  
  
Fawkes:"Horny old man... I'll show you..."  
  
Fawkes bites off Dumbledore's wrinkly old hairy penis.  
  
Dumbledore:"AHHHH! MY DICK!"  
  
Meanwhile with Hermione...  
  
Hermione:"Let's sing Draco and Gregory!"  
  
Gregory Goyle:"It's getting hot in here."  
  
Malfoy:"So hot."  
  
Goyle:"So take off all your clothes."  
  
Hermione:"I am getting so hot that i wanna take my clothes off."  
  
Goyle:"Guys, I forgot I have to give Crabbe a blowjob. See ya."  
  
He leaves.  
  
Hermione:"Draco, you're so hot! Take off your robes."  
  
He takes his robes off.  
  
Hermione:"Now you shirt."  
  
Check.  
  
Hermione:"Now your shoes and socks."  
  
Check.  
  
Hermione:"Now your shirt."  
  
Check.  
  
Hermione:"Now your Spiderman boxer shorts."  
  
Check.  
  
Hermione:"Prepare for a blowjob too."  
  
[A/N: Thoughts that Hermione and malfoy think aren't surrounded by "'s.]  
  
Malfoy: She is so good.  
  
Hermione: This is disgusting!  
  
Malfoy: I bet she likes this as much as me.  
  
Hermione: I bet he really likes this-unlike me.  
  
10 seconds later he- you know- then puts his clothes back on....  
  
Malfoy:"I LOVE YOU!"  
  
Hermione:"I LOVE YOU TOO!"  
  
They makeout as dramatic music comes on.  
  
Ron:"HERMIONE!"  
  
Hermione:"Are you stalking me?"  
  
Ron:"Yes, and I want a bj too!"  
  
Hermione:"Fuck off. Come on Draco."  
  
Once outside of the portrait of the obese woman they fuck goodbye then Hermione goes inside.  
  
Lavender:"Hermione, is this yours?"  
  
She hands her a bag of dope.  
  
Hermione:"No, it's McGonnagal's."  
  
Parvati:"How do you know?"  
  
Hermione:"She is the only one who is always running out of paper in this school."  
  
Parvati:"Oh."  
  
Hermione:"C'mon Ron-who-stalked-me-even-after-I-told-you-to-fuck-off. Let's go to my dorm and makeout. Everybody else find a partner and follow!"  
  
Once in the dorm...  
  
Hermione:"Ron... you kiss better than Malfoy."  
  
Ron: Oh yeah, for once I'm better than him. It's my birthday, it's my birthday, nuh nuh nuh nuh yeah!  
  
Malfoy:"HERMIONE!"  
  
Hermione:"Uh oh spaghetti-o."  
  
Malfoy:"I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!"  
  
Hermione:"I do. This was just an evil plot to kill Ron."  
  
Ron:"What?"  
  
Fawkes comes in throught the window and eats Ron.  
  
Hermione:"Hah!"  
  
Malfoy:"What are all these people doing here then?"  
  
Hermione:"Just adding to the atmosphere. How'd you get in here? You don't know the password, do you?"  
  
Malfoy:"I know everything. let's go to the Great Hall and play wizard chess for no apparent reason."  
  
Once in the Great Hall...  
  
Snape all of a sudden comes back to life where he died-in the middle of the floor still.  
  
Snape:"Oh, my head."  
  
He gets up and walks towards Hermione and Malfoy.  
  
Snape:"Outta my way blondie! Move Ms.Know-it-all! Oooooh! Pizza! Can I have some?  
  
Malfoy:"Sure."  
  
They munch on the pizza for three days. Yay. It's pepperoni and cheese.  
  
Hermione:"Where is evrybody? You'd think they'd come down here at least once to eat..."  
  
Malfoy:"They're all dead probably. Fawkes."  
  
Snape:"And the teachers?"  
  
Malfoy:"Flee of fright."  
  
Hermione:"Are we in danger?"  
  
Malfoy:"Sure. Now let's leave before we die."  
  
They run for dear life when Fawkes suddenly appears. His giant body from all his fat causes him to fly slower since his wings are tiny, but Snape still gets eaten. When inside of Fawkes, he puts his face against his tummy so its an identifyable indent and cries, "HELP!" in a muffled sort of way. Lucky Hermione and Malfoy, they get away without being eaten.  
  
Three minutes later...  
  
Hermione:"I can't believe we got to Denton in three minutes. We made great time, and it seems impossible to happen! Oh look, it's rainin' too!"  
  
Malfoy whispering to Cosmo and Wanda:"Hide before Hermione sees you!"  
  
Hermione:"Look! A castle! Let's go in!"  
  
Malfoy:"  
  
In the velvet darkness  
  
Of the blackest night... ah screw the song."  
  
They knock on the wooden doors. A pale man appears.  
  
Man:"Hello?"  
  
Malfoy:"Tired... hungry... haven't eaten in days... can we come in?"  
  
Man:"You're wet."  
  
Hermione:"Yes, it's raining."  
  
Man:"I think you both better come inside."  
  
Once inside.  
  
Hermione:"Brad-I mean Draco, I'm scared. What kind of a place is this?"  
  
Malfoy:"It's probably a hunting lodge for rich weirdos."  
  
Hermione:"Like you?"  
  
Malfoy:"Yes, like me."  
  
Hermione:"I hear music. Is there a party going on?"  
  
Man:"You've arrived on a special night. Tonight we're watching naked broads mud wrestle each other."  
  
Malfoy:"REALLY?"  
  
Man:"No, but you're still lucky to be here."  
  
A woman with huge red hair and white makeup and a revealing French maid dress on the banister of the stairs reveals hersef.  
  
Woman:"He's lucky. You're lucky. WE'RE ALL LUCKY!"  
  
She slides down the banister.  
  
Woman:"AHAHAHA!"  
  
She tosses the pale man a duster. He opens a coffin that, for some odd reason, is in the hall and dusts the skeleton off.  
  
Man:"It's astounding  
  
Time is fleeting  
  
Madness takes its toll  
  
But listen closely"  
  
Woman:"Not for very much longer"  
  
Man:"I've got to keep control  
  
I remember doing the time warp  
  
Drinking those moments when  
  
The blackness would hit me"  
  
Both:"And the void would be calling"  
  
They push Hermione and Malfoy through two double doors into a ballroom where a bunch of Transylvanians are dancing in freakishly tight party costumes. A banner above the throne chair in the room in is labled "Transylvanian Convention".  
  
Transylvanians:"Let's do the time warp again  
  
Let's do the time warp again"  
  
The Author:"It's just a jump to the left"  
  
All (But H&M):"Then a step to the ri-i-i-i-i-ight"  
  
The Author:"Put your hands on your hips"  
  
All:"You bring your knees in tight  
  
But it's the pelvic thrust  
  
That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane  
  
Let's do the time warp again  
  
Let's do the time warp again"  
  
Woman:"It's so dreamy  
  
Oh fanatsy free me  
  
So you can't see me  
  
No not at all  
  
In another dimension  
  
With voyeuristic intention  
  
Well secluded  
  
I see all"  
  
Man:"With a bit of the mind flip"  
  
Woman:"You're into the time slip"  
  
Man:"And nothing can ever be the same"  
  
Woman:"You're spaced out on sensation"  
  
Man:"Like you're under sedation"  
  
All:"Let's do the time warp again  
  
Let's do the time warp again"  
  
The Author:"It's just a jump to the left"  
  
All:"Then a step to the ri-i-i-i-i-ight"  
  
The Author:"Put your hands on your hips"  
  
All:"You bring your knees in tight  
  
But it's the pelvic thrust  
  
That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane  
  
Let's do the time warp again  
  
Let's do the time warp again"  
  
A girl on a jukebox with a golden sparkly top hat and matching coat with tap shoes and colorful sequins joins in.  
  
Girl:"Well I was walkin' down the street   
  
Just a-havin' a think  
  
When a snake of a guy   
  
Gave me an evil wink  
  
He shook-a me up   
  
He took me by suprise  
  
He had a pickup truck  
  
And the devil's eyes  
  
He stared at me and I felt a change  
  
Time meant nothin' never would again"  
  
All:"Let's do the time warp again  
  
Let's do the time warp again"  
  
The girl jumps off the jukebox and starts tap dancing until she trips over the red walkway rug on the floor that leads to the throne. Pissed off, she puts her top hat back on and does the time warp with everybody else.  
  
All:"Let's do the time warp again  
  
Let's do the time warp again"  
  
The Author:"It's just a jump to the left"  
  
All:"Then a step to the ri-i-i-i-i-ight"  
  
The Author:"Put your hands on your hips"  
  
All:"You bring your knees in tight  
  
But it's the pelvic thrust  
  
That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane  
  
Let's do the time warp again  
  
Let's do the time warp again"  
  
Everybody falls from being worn out as the music blubbers and bawls out.  
  
Hermione:"Say something!"  
  
Malfoy:"Any of you know how to do the Madison?"  
  
Hermione rolls her eyes.  
  
Man:"I'm Riff Raff!"  
  
Woman:"I'm Magenta!"  
  
Both:"And weeee're... YOUR FAIRY GOD PARENTS!"  
  
Hermione:"What the fuck?"  
  
Malfoy:"Maybe we should just leave..."  
  
Girl:"WAIT! TAKE ME WITH FAKE YOU!"  
  
Hermione:"Why?"  
  
Girl:"MY REAL LIFE SUCKS HERE! PLEASE TAKE ME WITH FAKE YOU!"  
  
Malfoy:"Okay."  
  
Once outside...  
  
Malfoy:"What's you name?"  
  
Girl:"Real Columbia."  
  
Malfoy:"Okay, I never should have asked."  
  
Columbia:"Wanna sing a fake song?"  
  
Malfoy:"Okay..."  
  
Columbia:"HIT IT FAKE GUYS!"  
  
They suddenly are on a stage. Riff Raff is in there to. They're all wearing Frank-N-Furter type outfits.  
  
Malfoy:"What the hell?"  
  
Columbia:"It was great when it all began  
  
I was a regular Frankie fan-"  
  
Hermione:"What the hell?"  
  
Columbia:"But it was over when he had the plan  
  
To start workin' on a muscle man  
  
Now the only thing that give me hope  
  
Is my love for a certain dope  
  
Rose tints my world  
  
Keeps me safe from my trouble and pain"  
  
Malfoy suddenly has the urge to sing.  
  
Malfoy:"Well I'm just seven hours old-"  
  
Hermione:"What the hell?"  
  
Malfoy:"Truley beautiful to behold  
  
But somebody should be told  
  
My libido hasn't been controlled  
  
Now the only thing I've come to trust  
  
Is and orgasmic rush of lust-"`  
  
Hermione:"Huh?"  
  
Malfoy:"Rose tints my world and  
  
Keeps me safe from my trouble and pain"  
  
Riff Raff:"It's beyond me  
  
Help me mommy  
  
I'll be good  
  
You'll see  
  
Take this dream away  
  
What's this  
  
Let's see  
  
I feel sexy  
  
What's come over me  
  
Whoo! Here it comes again"  
  
Hermione has the urge to sing. She's out of control, acting like a sex goddess.  
  
Hermione:"Oh I  
  
I feel released  
  
Bad times deceased  
  
My confidence has increased  
  
Reality is here  
  
The game has been disbanded  
  
My mind has been expanded  
  
It's a gas that Frankie's landed-"  
  
Malfoy:"Who?"  
  
Hermione"His lust is so sincere"  
  
She kisses the air. Drapes are pulled by some invisible man in a purple penis costume to reveal a RKO Tower as the set. Magenta is in front of the tower in a Frank-N-Furter type of outfit, but red.. She's reminiscent to a 1930's porn star-I mean movie star. You got to admit, she does look like a hooker porn star thing, even without the outfit.  
  
Magenta:"Whatever happened to Fay Wray  
  
That delicate satin draped frame  
  
As it clung to her thigh  
  
How I started to cry  
  
Cause I wanted to be dressed just the same  
  
Give yourself over to absolute pleasure  
  
Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh  
  
Erotic nightmared beyond any measure  
  
And sensual daydreams to treasure forever  
  
Can't you just see it  
  
Woah ho ho  
  
Oh!"  
  
She jumps into a pool covered my mist, but it fades away to show her in a Titanic life saver.  
  
Magenta:"Don't dream it Be it  
  
Don't dream it Be it  
  
Don't dream it Be it  
  
Don't dream it Be it"  
  
Everybody turns around towards the stage and slowly walks toward the pool in a slow, easy way.  
  
All:"Don't dream it Be it  
  
Don't dream it Be it"  
  
The four jump in.  
  
All:"Don't dream it Be it  
  
Don't dream it Be it  
  
Don't dream it Be it-"  
  
Goes on and on like the energy bunny. After the "Don't dream it Be it" Malfoy puts Magenta on his shoulders and lifts her out of the pool.  
  
Magenta:"My my my my my my my  
  
My my my my my my  
  
I'm a wild and untame thing  
  
I'm a bee with a deadly sting  
  
You get a hit and your mind goes ping  
  
Your heart'll pump and your blood will sing  
  
So let the party and the sounds rock on  
  
We're gonna shake it till the life has gone  
  
Rose tint my world  
  
Keep me safe from my trouble and pain"  
  
The rest get out of the pool  
  
All:"We're a wild and untame thing  
  
We're a bee with a deadly sting"  
  
They all join hands and do the cancan.  
  
All:"You get a hit and your mind goes ping  
  
Your heart'll pump and your blood will sing  
  
So let the party and the sounds rock on  
  
We're gonna shake it till the life has gone  
  
Rose tint my world  
  
keep me safe from my trouble and pain"  
  
All:"We're a wild and untame thing  
  
We're a bee with a deadly sting  
  
You get a hit and your mind goes ping  
  
Your heart'll pump and your blood will sing  
  
So let the party and the sounds rock on  
  
We're gonna shake it till the life has gone gone gone  
  
Rose tint my world  
  
keep me safe from my trouble and pain"All of a sudden Riff Raff and magenta's evil clones burst in through double doors in alien type spacesuits.  
  
Riff Raff's clone:"Frank-N-Furter-"  
  
Hermione:"Who?"  
  
Riff Raff's clone:"It's all over  
  
Your mission is a faliure  
  
Your lifestyle's too exreme  
  
I'm your new commander  
  
You now are my prisoner  
  
We return to Transylvania  
  
Prepare the transit beam"  
  
Magenta's clone turns to prepare the beam.  
  
Magenta:"WAIT! I-I can explain."  
  
She motions Columbia and Malfoy over to her and whispers something into each persons ear. Columbia runs to the headlight and Malfoy to a bunch of switches to ready up the song. The headlight beams down on Magenta.  
  
Magenta:"La la la la la la  
  
Sing a happy song  
  
La la la la la la  
  
Smurf the whole day long"  
  
Riff Raff's clone:" Okay, you can be set free."  
  
Magenta:"Yay!"  
  
Riff raff's clone:"What's with the clothes?"  
  
Magenta:"Vhat's vith your face?"  
  
Riff Raff:"Hey!"  
  
Magenta:"Vhat's your problem, dearest brother?"  
  
Riff Raff:"I look like him!"  
  
Malfoy:"Well, we must be going. Columbia, never have us randomly appear somewhere or ask us to sing another song, okay?"  
  
Columbia:"Well fake howdy to that!"  
  
They leave. Once about a mile down the road...  
  
Malfoy:"Who's hungry?"  
  
Columbia:"Real I am."  
  
Hermione:"I am."  
  
Random person:"I am."  
  
Malfoy:"Who the hell are you?"  
  
Random person:"A random person."  
  
Malfoy:"Get the fuck out of here!"  
  
The random person dies.  
  
Malfoy:"Ha ha!"  
  
Meanwhile with Neo and Trinity...  
  
Neo:"Let's have sex!"  
  
Trinity:"Is that all you ever want? Sex, sex, sex?"  
  
Neo:"No, I also like to save the world from the matrix."  
  
Trinity:"Then let's save the world!"  
  
They start having sex on the table where they were having dinner on in front of everybody.  
  
Morpheus:"Oh yeah, I like that, Neo and Trinity."  
  
Ewwwww.  
  
45 seconds later with Columbia, Hermione and Malfoy....  
  
Malfoy:"I'm going to die of hunger...."  
  
Columbia:"Real me too."  
  
Hermione:"Me too."  
  
Random preson:"Me too."  
  
Malfoy grabs an ax seemingly from nowhere.  
  
Malfoy:"DIE BITCH!"  
  
Random person:"AHHHHHHHH!"  
  
The random person runs off with malfoy chasing after.  
  
Hermione:"Well, lost another one."  
  
Columbia:"Another fake what?"  
  
Hermione tells Columbia the story since the beginning to the end of this sentence.  
  
Columbia:"That is so sad!"  
  
Hermione:"Joke: name two things that are lond, blonde, and plastic."  
  
Columbia:"Uh, fake Barbie and fake Britney Spears?"  
  
Hermione:"How'd you know?"  
  
Columbia:"Fake hell, it's pretty obvious."  
  
Meanwhile with Trinity and Neo after their tango on the table....  
  
Neo who's smoking a cigarette on the table with bits and chunks of food in his hair:"Hows it feel to sleep with the most powerful thing in the digital world? I add a new definition to 'hard drive' and 'unplugged' now, eh?"  
  
Trinity:"Not to mention 'software' and 'floppy'."  
  
Meanwhile with Columbia and Hermione...  
  
Columbia:"Let's go save the fake world."  
  
Hermione:"Is that like saving Jesus or something?"  
  
Columbia:"No."  
  
Hermione:"Let's do it."  
  
15 hours later...  
  
Columbia:"Thank fake goodness we didn't fake die."  
  
Hermione:"Yuppers."  
  
Columbia:"Shouldn't you be arrested for stealing that fake car?"  
  
Hermione:"I AM ABOVE THE LAW!"  
  
Columbia:"Fake uhhh."  
  
Hermione:"I AM ABOVE THE LAW!"  
  
Columbia:"Fake errr..."  
  
Hermione:"I AM ABOVE THE LAW!"  
  
Columbia throws a rock the size of a grain of sand at Hermione's head and knocks her out cold allowing time for Columbia to steal all of her stuff in her pockets (tampons, candies, a shovel, a severed head, 50 bucks, a condom, a cellphone, a bottle of vodka, a cougar magnum, a pack of cigarretes, alkaline, matches, a 265 X 347 inch television, a guide to great sex, 54 books on how to do magical spells, a wand, butterbeer, potatoes, a bucket of pelicans, Satan, Telefuckkies cartoon costumes, coffee, 5 lbs. of pure cocaine, a baggie of pot, some heroin, a puppy, a kitty, three barbies, a key to something, a doorknob, a lightbulb, a doll, some saliva contained in a bag of dog shit, human shit, deer shit, Malfoy shit, cow shit, cat shit, flea shit, lice shit, bird shit, pelican shit, pelican shit, Avril's shit, pelican shit, and a bowl of pudding) and run off laughing like a mad man.  
  
1 hour later...  
  
Hermione:"Oh shit, my head hurts... Where's my stuff? DAMN YOU COLUMBIA!"  
  
She hears a mewing in the bushes.  
  
Hermione:"What's that? Oh, a kitten!"  
  
All of a sudden Malfoy shows up with blood all over him.  
  
Malfoy:"Got rid off that bastard."  
  
Hermione:"Look in the bushes!"  
  
Malfoy walks into the bushes and emerges holding a fluffy, chubby kitten with big blue eyes. It had dark blue stripes on its light green fur and a tail so fluffy you could use it as a duster. Malfoy puts the kitten in Hermione's hands.  
  
Hermione:"I'm naming it Bo Jangle!"  
  
Bo Jangle purred while climbing to the top of Hermione's head then started kneading.  
  
Hermione:"OW!"  
  
Malfoy:"It's so cute! I WANNA STEP ON IT!"  
  
Hermione:"NO!"  
  
She slaps Malfoy.  
  
Malfoy:"*gasp*THAT'S SEXUAL ABUSE!"  
  
Hermione:"OH MY GOSH! I'm going to hell for that!"  
  
Blood started dripping from Hermione's head.  
  
Hermione:"That hurts Bo Jangle."  
  
Bo Jangle stops and acts all innocent.  
  
1 more hour later...  
  
Malfoy:"WHO PEED ON THE FLOOR!?"  
  
Bo Jangle starts laughing.  
  
Malfoy:"YOU STUPID CAT! I FELL ASlEEP IN THAT STUFF!"  
  
Bo Jangle falls over from laughing.  
  
Malfoy:"AHHHHHH! I'M SO MAD!"  
  
Bo Jangle dies.  
  
Hermione:"NOOOOOOOO!"  
  
Bo Jangle is revived by mouth-to-mouth recesitation [A/N spelling?] from Hermione.  
  
Hermione:"Draco, don't make Bo Jangle laugh like that!"  
  
Bo Jangle walks over to Malfoy's foot and pees on it.  
  
Malfoy:"Sick, dude!"  
  
Meanwhile with Columbia...  
  
Columbia:"IT'S FAKE ALL MINE! MUHAHAHAHA!"  
  
Meanwhile with Neo and Trinity...  
  
They're having sex again.  
  
Meanwhile with some random guy in China...  
  
Man:"Kgkuadyfgvcloaufdytgcauhfajleh"  
  
Woman:"Jsudhcsjhdgcka  
  
Man:"Costa yo mona teh dolla bitch.  
  
Woman:"GKJFTDUGJHBGHDRWOIU(*4588760365986542-748udalegc8624vtb0c732s08yn5r8t274yn0r725v78o23nrfybvr!"  
  
Meanwhile with Neo and Trinity...  
  
Neo:"Hows it feel to sleep with the most powerful thing in the digital world? I add a new definition to 'hard drive' and 'unplugged' now, eh?"  
  
Trinity:"Now to mention 'software' and floppy'."  
  
Whoa. Deja vu.  
  
Trinity:"What was that?"  
  
Deja vu.  
  
Trinity:"DUCK AND TAKE COVER! THERE'S A GLITCH IN THE MATRIX!"  
  
She hides under the table.  
  
Neo:"We aren't in the matrix."  
  
Trinity:"Oh yeah!"  
  
Meanwhile with Hermione and Malfoy...  
  
Hermione:"You smell like cat pee."  
  
Malfoy:"Maybe because I'm covered in cat piss."  
  
Hermione:"EWW! YOU'RE NASTY!"  
  
Malfoy:"IT'S THE DAMN CATS FAULT!"  
  
Hermione:"So why don't you just sweat it all off?"  
  
Malfoy:"Okay."  
  
Malfoy rips his clothes off like you see in cartoons, revealing his leather black thong and red bow tie on his neck and white cuffs on his wrists. He starts to spin on a pole The Author just happened to put there.  
  
Bad images. Let's skip this part.  
  
Meanwhile with Neo and Trinity...  
  
Trinity"Let's have a screaming contest."  
  
Neo:"Okay. You first."  
  
Trinity:"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
Neo:"Mine's better."  
  
Trinity:"You scream like a girl."  
  
Neo:"You think so, bitch?"  
  
Trinity:"Try me."  
  
Neo:"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
Morpheus suddenly barges into the room.  
  
Morpheus:"TRINITY! Are you okay!? Did Neo try to screw you in the ass!?"  
  
Trinity:"That was Neo."  
  
Morpheus:"But thats sounded like a girls scream."  
  
Trinity:"Hah, told ya."  
  
Neo:"Shut up."  
  
Meanwhile with Columbia...  
  
Columbia:"AHAHAHAHA IT'S FAKE ALLLL MIIIINNNEEE!"  
  
Meanwhile with a dog....  
  
Dog:"BARK!"  
  
Meanwhile with a glass of milk...  
  
Milk:"*spills*....*Gulping sounds*....*slurping*....*barfing*..."  
  
Meanwhile with Neo and Trinity... again....  
  
Trinity:"HENCHA POONKA PEEINGH AHKSLASHUEFHKJG!"  
  
Neo:"Huh?"  
  
Menawhile with Hermione and Malfoy...  
  
Meanwhile with Columbia...  
  
Meanwhile with Neo, Trinity and Morpheus...  
  
Meanwhile with... ah, screw it.  
  
Meanwhile with Hermione, Malfoy and Bo Jangle....  
  
Malfoy:"Let's prank call somebody - like Target!"  
  
Hermione:"Okay."  
  
She picks up the phone and calls 1-800-IM-A-FUCKING-TARGET-BUM-WHO-LIVES-IN-THAT-BASTARD-NEMISIS-WALMART.  
  
A man answers.  
  
Man:"Welcome to Target. May I take your order?"  
  
Hermione:"Okay, well, you see I bought a Chinese grill, you know, that starts up with fire and kerosene and very very flammable gas? Well, it won't work."  
  
Man:"Did you make sure the pink lever was on 'ON'?"  
  
Hermione:"Let me check... um... yes it's on."  
  
Man:"Did your pour the kerosene into the tanks?"  
  
Hermione:"Yes."  
  
Man:"Is the gas tank on?"  
  
Hermione:"Yes."  
  
Man:"Did you light a match and put it in the coals?"  
  
Hermione:"Let me see... uh, no. I'll light one right now..."  
  
Man:"Make sure the gas is off or else-"  
  
Hermione:"OH MY GOD!"  
  
And explosion erupts over the telephone.  
  
Hermione:"AHHHHH! OH MY GOD!! MY LEG! OH MY GOD! AHHHHHH!"  
  
Man:"Are you alright?"  
  
Hermione:"OH MY FUCKING LEG! I CAN'T FIND IT! OH MY FUCKING GOD! AHHHHH!"  
  
Man:"Hello?"  
  
Hermione:"OH GOD WHY!? OH, THE INTOLERANT PAIN! OH HOLY JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! OH GOD! THE PAIN!"  
  
Man:"H-Hello?..."  
  
Hermione:"OH GOD, NO! NOT MY FAMILY! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE MY FAMILY! OH GOD, AND MY HUSBAND! MY POOR POOR HUSBAND IN PIECES EVERYWHERE! OH GOD! WHY!!!????"  
  
The line is cut.  
  
Malfoy:"My turn."  
  
He takes his owl out of his pants named DIE YOU BITCH HARRY and writes on a piece of parchment that the bird just crapped out:  
  
Dear Mother,  
  
Hello?  
  
Love,   
  
Draco  
  
Sent flying, comes back a second later with a note that reads:  
  
Dear Draco,  
  
Hello dear! How are you?  
  
Love,  
  
Narcissa  
  
Malfoy writes:  
  
Dear Mother,  
  
Is your fridge runnin'?  
  
Love,   
  
Draco  
  
Sends off, comes back with:  
  
Dear Draco,  
  
What?  
  
Love,  
  
Narcissa  
  
Writes:  
  
Dear Mother,  
  
Then you better go catch it!  
  
Love,  
  
Draco  
  
P.S. Don't write back.  
  
Sends off then Malfoy giggles.  
  
Hermione:"You suck at this."  
  
Meanwhile with Neo and Trinity...  
  
Neo:"You're fat!"  
  
Trinity:"No I'm not!"  
  
Neo:"You fat fuck!"  
  
Trinity:"Don't call me fat you buttfucking son of a bitch!"  
  
Neo:"Fuck you, you donkey raping shit eater!"  
  
Trinity:"Pig fucker!"  
  
Neo:"You're a fucking faggot!"  
  
Trinity:"You're a boner biting dick face fart fucker!"  
  
Neo:"Methinks we is getting theses phrases from South Park."  
  
Trinity:"True..."  
  
Neo:"LET'S FUCK!"  
  
The screw each other on the table... again...  
  
Meanwhile with Hermione, Malfoy and Bo Jangle...  
  
Malfoy:"LEAVE ME ALONE!"  
  
Hermione:"Why are you screaming?"  
  
Malfoy:"THE CAT IS PEEING ON MY LEG!"  
  
Hermione:"Aww."  
  
Malfoy:"This little scrotum-sucker decieved us!"  
  
Hermione:"How?"  
  
Malfoy:"It shit in your shoes earlier!"  
  
Hermybirg:"What?"  
  
She looks at her shoes.  
  
Hermionitchy:"Liar! You are a bad man!"  
  
She runs of crying.  
  
10 days later...  
  
Still crying and running until she runs into Columbia with a bottle of vodka in her hands passed out on the floor. Columbia wakes up with a start.  
  
Columbia:"AHHHHHHH! Oh, it's just fake you!"  
  
Hermione-PMS:"You bitch! You stole my stuff!"  
  
Columbia:"No, I borrowed'em with no fake intention of returning'em."  
  
Hermione-BEGAN-HER-PERIOD-A-SECOND-AGO:"Oh, then that's completely different."  
  
They run off holding hands and whistling to the theme song of Power Rangers.  
  
10 hours later...  
  
Still skipping and whistling.  
  
Hermione-the-school-girl:"I'm so happy."  
  
Columbia:"So am real I."  
  
Hermione-the-whore:"SING!"  
  
Columbia:"I'm a wild and untame thing  
  
I'm a bee with a deadly sting  
  
You get a hit and you mind goes ping  
  
Your heart will pump and your blood will sing  
  
So let the party and the sounds rock on  
  
We're gonna shake it till the life has gone  
  
Rose tint my world  
  
Keep me safe from my trouble and pain"  
  
Hermione-fuck-you:"BRAVO!"  
  
Columbia:"Where are fake we?"  
  
Hermione-blow-your-father:"In a ship it looks like..."  
  
Neo and Trinity suddenly jump out from under the table they have sex on.  
  
Neo:"Who the hell are you guys?"  
  
Columbia:"YOU'RE HOT!"  
  
Hermione-I-do-not-mean-to-offened-Hermy-lovers:"Translated from stupidy-"  
  
Columbia:"HEY!"  
  
Hermione:"Hay is for horses and she means she's Columbia and I'm Hermione."  
  
Neo:"Ohhhhh...*drools*"  
  
Trinity:"I'm Trinity-"  
  
Neo:"And I'm Neo-"  
  
Neo&Trinity:"And weeee're... YOUR FAIRLY GOD PARENTS!"  
  
Neo:"And we have sex twice a day on the table you're sitting on!"  
  
Hermione:"EWW!"  
  
Hermione jumps off the table. Columbia falls over laughing until she barfs on Hermione. Grossed out, Hermione barfs on Columbia and Trinity on accident. Angered, Trinity barfs on Hermione and left out of the fun, Neo barfs on Columbia. Angered, Columbia barfs on Neo and accidently some on Trinity. Angered, Neo and Trinity barf on Columbia and Hermione for no apparent reason, barfs on Trinity. Angered, Trinity barfs on Hermione and accidently some on Columbia. Grossed out, again. Hermione barfs on Neo. Angered, he barfs on Hermione and accidently some on Columbia. Angered, Columbia barfs on Neo and accidently some on Trinity. Angered, Neo and Trinity barf on Columbia and Hermione for no apparent reason, barfs on Trinity. Angered, Trinity barfs on Hermione and accidently some on Columbia. Grossed out, again. Hermione barfs on Neo. Angered, he barfs on Hermione and accidently some on Columbia. Angered, Columbia barfs on Neo and accidently some on Trinity. Angered, Neo and Trinity barf on Columbia and Hermione for no apparent reason, barfs on Trinity. Angered, Trinity barfs on Hermione and accidently some on Columbia. Grossed out, again. Hermione barfs on Neo. Angered, he barfs on Hermione and accidently some on Columbia. Angered, Columbia barfs on Neo and accidently some on Trinity. Angered, Neo and Trinity barf on Columbia and Hermione for no apparent reason, barfs on Trinity. Angered, Trinity barfs on Hermione and accidently some on Columbia. Grossed out, again. Hermione barfs on Neo. Angered, he barfs on Hermione and accidently some on Columbia. Angered, Columbia barfs on Neo and accidently some on Trinity. Angered, Neo and Trinity barf on Columbia and Hermione for no apparent reason, barfs on Trinity. Angered, Trinity barfs on Hermione and accidently some on Columbia. Grossed out, again. Hermione barfs on Neo. Angered, he barfs on Hermione and accidently some on Columbia. Angered, Columbia barfs on Neo and accidently some on Trinity. Angered, Neo and Trinity barf on Columbia.  
  
Afterwards...  
  
Hermione:"WHAT FUN!"  
  
Morpheus:"What's goin' on?"  
  
Neo:"This is Morpheus. AHAHAHA! WHAT A DUMB NAME!"  
  
Morpheus:"At least mine doesn't mean one, NEO."  
  
Trinity:"Mine is named after a goddess."  
  
She sticks her tongue out.  
  
Columbia:*gasp*YOU HAVE FAKE GUM!"  
  
Trinity:"Wha?"  
  
Columbia:"YOU HAVE FAKE GUM!"  
  
Columbia tackles Trinity.  
  
Columbia:"Oh, wait, that's just your fake tongue."  
  
Morpheus:"Dwellers of Zion! The machines have gathered an army! They a drilling as we speak! They will soon be at our gates! But not to worry! We have a weapon! We have Neo! HE is The One! HE will save us! HE can turn near-extinction into victory! He can make the sun shine, sprinkle it with dew, cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two! The Keanu man can! Now - let's dance!*"  
  
Neo:"What the hell?"  
  
Trinity:"We have to... discuss some things with Morpheus right now... Be right back..."  
  
Neo and Trinity drag Morpheus into a room labled "TORTURE ROOM FOR EMBARRASING QUOTES".  
  
Columbia:"I need a fake man in my real life!"  
  
Hermione:"Try this."  
  
She hands Columbia a personals gallery for women.  
  
Columbia reads:  
  
"Tristram: Merger strategist at AOL Time Warner. Eron stockholder, huge Red Sox fan. Looking for just the right woman to get me lucky in love! BOX 463  
  
Mack: 5/2, 130 lbs., ready for action day and night! Willing to do nude houseworks, but for GOD'S SAKE, nothing with a staple gun. BOX 820  
  
Ari: 54, Philosophy professer. Looking for love, depending on how you define 'love,' assuming such a concept even exists apart from our existential plane of comprehension. Must have nice breats. BOX 030  
  
Lance: Tired of looking through boring, phony ads to find a date? Oops! I won't even waste your time then! BOX 991  
  
Jarek: Butcher shop owner. Looking for a woman who can take my mind off of the job of hacking blood-soaked animal parts all day, and the crushing depression I feel being surrounded by the stench of death. On the plus side, I can get you free ribs. BOX 609  
  
Myron: I want a woman who can make my heart race, give me a lump in my throat, make my head spin, cause searing intestinal cramps and induce kidney failure. BOX 986  
  
Brock: I finally lost enough weight to look attractive to women, and I'm still taking the diet pills so I won't relapse. Looking for an active, fun0loving lady who like working out, mountain biking, swimming, jogging, and tennis all on the same day. BOX 780  
  
Flint: Recovering pyromaniac. Want to meet mature ladies for candlelight dinners. BOX 451**"  
  
Hermione:"Just go with... uh... *drools*"  
  
Columbia:"I'm going to get fake Neo to sleep with real me!"  
  
She walks off laughing evilly until she walks into the wall.  
  
20 seconds later...  
  
Columbia:"I just found some fake thing on the floor! Let's fake fuck to fake celebrate!"  
  
Neo:"No."  
  
He walks away.  
  
Columbia:"I suppose real I will be fake alone forever."  
  
She takes a magnum to her head and kills herself. Hermione walks in a minute later.  
  
Hermione:"AHHHH! OH MY GOD! OH BROKE A NAIL! -oh look. And Columbia's dead. Oh well."  
  
She walks away.  
  
Meanwhile with Neo and Trinity...  
  
Nevermind. They're having sex again.  
  
Meanwhile with Hermione...  
  
Hermione:"My nail should be fixed. This blowtorch that is not set next to a manicure set should work."  
  
After Hermione is all charred, crispy, and tasy...  
  
Hermione:"There we go. All fixed."  
  
Meanwhile with Neo and Trinity...  
  
Neo:"I smell chicken."  
  
He walks into the room Hermione is in, dressed.  
  
Neo:"A HUGE CHICKEN LEG! EWW!"  
  
Hermione:"No, it's just me."  
  
Neo:"Wha?"  
  
Hermione:"I used this blowtorch to fix my nail."  
  
Neo:"You could've used the manicure set right in front of you set right next to the blowtorch."  
  
Hermione:"Oh, I didn't see it. HEY, I made song, listen!"  
  
Neo:"No I'd-"  
  
Hermione grabs an accoustic guitar and plays the theme song of The Fairly Odd Parents.  
  
Hermione:"I call this song Bobo The Monkey."  
  
Trinity comes in and stares right next to Neo.  
  
Hermione:"Oh, Bobo. The monkey named Bobo. OH, BOBO! YOU SILLY MONKEY! TRIX ARE FOR RABBITS AND PEANUTS! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, Bobo. IT'S FUN TO DIE!!!"  
  
Neo:"What the fuck was that song about?"  
  
Hermione drools.  
  
Hermione:"I dunno - LET'S GO SAVE THE WORLD!"  
  
Neo:"Okay."  
  
They save the world from the basilisk that was eating everything in sight, including Bo Jangle that The Author didn't mention about until now for some reason...  
  
Afterwards...  
  
Hermione:"I'm going to die of cancer in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1..."  
  
Hermione collapses to the ground in a heap.  
  
Trinity:"Oh my gosh! The main character is dead! GASP! That means it's your turn, Neo!"  
  
The Author:"NO! I HAVE TO END THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL!"  
  
Neo:"Nooooooo!"  
  
The Author:"MAYBE YOU CAN HAVE A SEQUEL. I DUNNO. DEPENDS IF PEOPLE LIKE MY RANDOMNESS AND STUPIDNESS AND ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THE MATRIX IS."  
  
Neo:"Shit, then that's nobody."  
  
The Author:"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"  
  
Neo:"GASP! YOU SAID FUCK!"  
  
The Author:"MY STORY! I CAN DO WHATEVER FUCKIN' THING I WANNA DO! SHUT THE FUCK UP!"  
  
Neo:"Fuck..."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Shall I continue or stop the annoying randomness? By the way, it will be located in The Matrix fanfictions if I continue. O_o And here's a tribute to Hermione:  
  
Hi ho, hi ho  
  
It's off to school we go  
  
With razor blades and hand grenades  
  
Hi ho, hi ho  
  
It's off to home we go  
  
With razor cuts and blown up nuts  
  
Hi ho, hi howowow  
  
Hi ho, hi ho  
  
It's off to work we go  
  
With grown up chicks to suck our dicks  
  
Hi ho, hi ho  
  
It's off to home we go  
  
With lipstick rings around our things  
  
Hi ho, hi howowow  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
*Thanks to MAD for the random quote  
  
**Thanks to MAD for the extra randomness and stupidity  
  
--Magenter 


End file.
